Sunday, February 7, 2021

Jesus Christ and Peter Pan (Archives - June 2014)

 
Jesus Christ and Peter Pan walk into a bar. 
No joke. 
The Easter Bunny and St. Patrick are sitting at a table in the back, playing cards. 
Jesus says, “Hey, Peter, let’s sit with these guys, they’re friends of mine, from the old days.”
St. Patrick says, “Hello, Jesus, I see you got yourself a new Peter.  Does he rock?” 
“Judge not”, answers Jesus, taking a seat against the wall. 
The waitress is a Disney Princess, the kind who sings to the cartoon birds on her shoulder.
“Hello, boys” she says in a New York accent.  Brooklyn, most likely.  “What’ll you have?”
“Four waters”, says Jesus. 
The other guys all chuckle.  They know the deal.
Princess Waitress turns on her heel and waltzes over to the bar where Brutus the burly barkeep waits, flexing his bicep with the anchor tattoo.
“These jokers at table 6 want four waters”, she says, with a smile and a twinkle in her eye.
Brutus says, “That one with the beard looks familiar.  You get his name?”
“Nah, but his friend in the green is cute”, and she sucks absentmindedly on her pencil.
 “Well, tell them they ain’t getting just water.  They order food or real drinks, or they’re out.”
“Ok, Brutus-baby.  I’ll tell ‘em.” 
She sashays back to the corner, trailing a rainbow behind her.
Meanwhile, The Bunny is dealing, “I ought to know better than to gamble with you guys.”
Before the cards are all dealt, Jesus raises two bits. “I’ve got a good feeling about this hand.”
Princess Waitress tells them, “You boys gotta order some food, or some booze, Brutus says.”
The Bunny orders a ham sandwich, Pan asks for a hot dog and Patrick gets the corned beef.
Jesus says, “How fresh is the fish?” 
Waitress tells him, “No idea, honey, it’s frozen.”
“Man is not defiled by what he puts into his mouth.  I’ll have the veal”, he says with a shrug. 
Just then Babe Ruth comes in, stumbling, puffing his cigar, laughing big, “Gimme a gin!” he hollers.
Peter Pan tells Jesus, “That’s the guy I was telling you about.  Name’s George.”
Jesus shows his cards, four Aces, rakes in his winnings and heads to the bar to buy the Babe a drink.
As soon as he’s gone, Patrick tells the Bunny, “This is our chance to ditch this guy before it’s too late.”
“Too late for what?” asks Pan naively. 
“Never mind for what, kid.  Just too late”, says Patrick.
He stands up and tells the Bunny, “C’mon, before he drags that loud mouth over here.”
“What about my sandwich?” asks the Bunny.  “We ain’t had nothing to eat all day.”
“You need to learn the value of suffering, my furry friend”, says Patrick as Pan laughs nervously.
Jesus is leaning against the bar, his arm around The Babe’s shoulders, talking quietly, smiling.
St. Patrick is still trying to tell the Easter Bunny to forget the sandwich and get out, but too late.
Here’s Princess Waitress with a tray full of sandwiches and glasses of water, whistling as she walks.
The Bunny cannot be convinced now, he’s hungry, and his sandwich has arrived.  He sits and eats.
Patrick figures he might as well eat his, too.  You never know where the next meal is coming from.
Over at the bar, The Babe tells Jesus, “367,000 miles I put on that truck, and it still purred like a kitten.”
Jesus:  “The Chevy?” / Babe: “Yeah” / Jesus:  “The Black one?” / Babe:  “I loved that truck.”
The Babe swallows his second gin and lets loose a belch louder than Gabriel’s trumpet. 
Brutus laughs.
Jesus says, “George, I’ve got food waiting for me over at my table.  Come, join me.”
But The Babe is distracted.  He just caught sight of (la la la la) Lola coming down the spiral staircase.
Jesus says, “Whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already sinned with her in his heart.”
“That don’t hardly seem fair”, says The Babe, “I ain’t even said hello to her yet.” 
“Be of good cheer; thy sins be forgiven thee,” says Jesus.  “Besides, I’m not sure she’s a she.”
“She’s all woman from where I stand”, says The Babe. 
“According to your faith be it unto you”, says Jesus.
He returns to the table and starts to eat his sandwich. 
“How’s the wine?” he asks with a smile.
“It’s swell!” says Peter Pan.
“A little dry for my taste, but it’s got a nice bouquet”, says St. Patrick. 
Jesus says, “Listen, guys, my new friend George and I have a plan.  It can’t miss.  You want in?”
“Not a chance”, says Patrick, “I’ve fallen for your schemes before.  Nothing but trouble.”
Pan says, “Sure!”
The Bunny looks at Patrick who shakes his head.  Still, he’s tempted.
“Tell you what”, says Jesus, “Here comes George now.  Hear him out, and then decide.”
The Babe saunters over with L-O-L-A Lola on his arm.  “Howdy boys!  Who wants to get famous?”
“Um, George, fame is not something any of these fellows lack”, says Jesus with a grin.
Peter Pan points at (la la la la) Lola and asks The Babe, “Why is that guy wearing a dress?”
“Shaddup, kid, you don’t know nothing about how to treat a lady.  Just ask Wendy.”
He pulls up a chair for L-O-L-A Lola, and another for himself.  “Sit down baby, let’s talk to these boys.”
(la la la la) Lola, in a voice as dark and smooth as chocolate, “OK, Georgie honey.  Can I get a drink?”
“Hey Princess!  Bring that bottle over here!” hollers The Babe, “She’s a thirsty girl, and so am I!”
Turning back to the table, one hand on L-O-L-A Lola’s knee, one holding his cigar, The Babe smiles.
“Here’s the set-up…” but just then the band starts playing dueling banjos rearranged for two accordions.
Princess Waitress brings the gin. 
(la la la la) Lola takes a pull right from the bottle, no glass.
That makes The Babe laugh.  “Oh, I’m a gin drinking man, and so is my L-O-L-A Lola.”
Princess asks, “Are you all sticking around for the floor show?  New singer tonight, what a voice!”
Pan says, “You bet!” 
Patrick says, “I don’t think so.” 
The Bunny sips his wine and looks to Jesus.
Jesus smiles and spreads his arms, “Sure, we’re sticking around.  We’re still waiting for another friend.”
The lights go down, except for a spot on the microphone at center stage, revealing a tall skinny kid.
“Doo bee doo bee doo”, he croons. 
Patrick mutters, “Sounds like one of Jesus’ sermons.”
The skinny kid finishes his tune, the crowd applauds politely, if unenthusiastically. 
The front door opens.
“Here she is now”, says Jesus.  “That’s my friend Windy”. 
He stands and waves to get her attention.
“Dammit!” says Patrick.  “I should have known this would happen.  There’s no way out now.”
Pan hides under the table. 
The Bunny and The Babe both turn to look toward the newcomer.
(la la la la) Lola doesn’t move.  She’s been around long enough to know what’s going to happen next.
Brutus rushes out from behind the bar, laurel wreath around his head, toga draped over his shoulder.
“Not in my place, you don’t.  You just turn right around and head back where you came from.”
Windy doesn’t hesitate, just heads straight toward Jesus like there’s nobody else in the room.
The band starts playing a slow blues, key of E, while the skinny kid singer steps back up to the mic.
“Frankie and Johnny were lovers.” 
Windy and Jesus embrace. 
“O, my gawd, how they could love.”
Jesus says, “Windy, sit down, girl.  Tell us what’s been on your mind.” 
Windy sits down and begins:  “I come for my man, he done me wrong”. 
She turns to face L-O-L-A Lola.
Now, Windy she don’t use no weapons, she don’t shoot no .44. 
But (la la la la) Lola drops to the hardwood floor.
“He was my man, but she done me wrong” sings the skinny kid, while Windy seems to sing along.
The Babe stands up in shock, looks down at L-O-L-A Lola lying there dead at his feet.
“What the hell gives?” he sobs as he falls to his knees. 
The Bunny and Patrick are already long gone.
Pan is giggling where he hides under the table, “I knew she wasn’t a real girl.”
Brutus says, “Ach, what a mess.  How am I going to explain this to the cops?”
Princess Waitress looks at Windy and says, “Do I know you honey?  Are you in a storybook, too?”
“Not yet”, says Windy, as she and Jesus head for the door arm in arm.  “Not yet.”